just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
