as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
