I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
