So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
