So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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