thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
