So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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