Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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