I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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