I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
