So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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