shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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