I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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