Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
