i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
