but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
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I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
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We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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