WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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