my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize