I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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