i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
