dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
