Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
