note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
