im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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