I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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