Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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