Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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