i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
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While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
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I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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