why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
