No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Do you have feelings for this penis?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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