i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
