i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Well I just put wine in my tea
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
