I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
3pm strippers are depressing
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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