I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
