pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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