I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
