my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
