I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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