So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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