gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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