I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
