im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
