so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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