Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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