1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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