the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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