I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
