party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I love having hate sex.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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