Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
