Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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