i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
