you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Randomize
