No, you can still breathe under the balls.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
