Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
