So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
